Power Positions

Abusers are sly. They start out as charming, thoughtful, kind, before morphing into something that’s anything but. They can be the people you least expect—educated, wealthy, influential in the community. Many survivors of abuse will attest to this very fact—he was a completely different person behind closed doors than he was in public.

So why is it that men who seemingly have more to lose—those in the public eye, who know that their wrong-doings will be examined under a microscope for all to judge—still choose to abuse? It all goes back to power and control, the two trademarks of an abuser, says Carmen Pitre, executive director of the  Sojourner Family Peace Center, the largest nonprofit provider of domestic violence support services in Wisconsin. “What men in power have is access to resources. They use their money and influence as part of their control, and they direct that at women.”

Pitre has seen this effect firsthand from the survivors at her center and says it is challenging and troubling. “It’s difficult to protect yourself from a person with power.”

Celebrities As Abusers

In 1988, actor Sean Penn was accused of physically assaulting his then-wife Madonna. After suspecting the superstar was having an affair, an intoxicated Penn allegedly tied Madonna to a chair and abused her physically and emotionally for several hours. While Penn was arrested, the charges were later dropped because of Madonna’s reluctance to start a media frenzy. The couple divorced a year later.

Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee was convicted of beating up his then-wife Pamela Anderson in 1998 and spent six months in LA County Jail. The couple reconciled after his release from prison but divorced soon after.

Most of us saw the after-effect of singer Chris Brown’s assault of pop star Rihanna. Even after photos of her bruised and battered face were leaked to the public, the support of her fans couldn’t stop her from reconciling with Brown.

And then there's the story of NFL running back and former Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice who was caught on video punching out his fiancée in a hotel elevator in February 2014. He was suspended and then released from the team in September after the video emerged. The suspension was soon overturned and was technically eligible to play in the NFL (as of 2017, he was coaching high school football instead). 

And the woman he knocked out? Now, his wife and the mother to their two children. Ray pleaded not guilty to assault charges and applied for something called pretrial intervention, a counseling program that would clear him completely of the charges. 

Politicians are also not immune to becoming batterers either. Former New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate was arrested in 2009, and later convicted and ousted from the Senate, for slashing his girlfriend’s face with a piece of broken glass during an argument.

Police as Abusers

One might think that being married to a police officer would bring with it a constant sense of security and, oftentimes, this is probably true. But for a staggering 24-40 percent of police officer families — the number who experience domestic violence — they can be anything but safer. According to the National Center for Women and Policing, domestic violence is 2 to 4 times more common among police officers than the general public. And the victims of these police officer batterers are even more vulnerable because of the position of power their abusers hold.

Pitre says she and other advocates are particularly concerned about cases where police officers are found to be the abusers for several reasons. “They can legally carry a firearm. They can use their power to actively harass and isolate victims. They can influence other officers in how they report and investigate. Officers who abuse use what they have. We consider these critical cases.”

Additionally, officers will often know the locations of women’s shelters. They’ll also know how to manipulate the system and blame the victim to avoid being charged. For these reasons, many abuse survivors married to police officers are scared to come forward. “The abuser may say to you, ‘I control everything. I can get the system to not respond to you.’ But 99 percent of the officers don’t subscribe to that,” says Pitre. “Officers mostly have great intentions and want to help.”

And don’t believe your abuser if they say they can influence police officers or court officials to not believe you. The abuser is trying to scare you into silence. Try to collect any and all evidence of abuse—your best way of fighting back in court.

Steps to Take When The Abuser Is A Cop:

• Confide in an advocate at a domestic violence organization. “We can help you get out of the situation,” says Pitre. To find an advocate near you, use our Get Help tool. Working with an advocate is free and helps you access additional resources and support from someone with experience. Some advocates are even survivors themselves, who have had similar experiences.
• Keep a log regarding everything that’s happening related to the abuse. Document each incident with photos. Print out the photos and save them in a safe deposit box that your abuser doesn’t know about.
• In that safe deposit box, also keep paperwork you’ll need once you leave the abuser, which he or she may try to destroy when you leave. This includes your passport, children’s birth certificates, insurance papers, car registration and any money you can set aside.
• Keep hard copies of all communication from your abuser including emails, notes or recordings of phone messages that contain threats or show anger.
• Make friends and contacts outside of the law enforcement community so you can have a support system that’s not connected to your abuser.

You'll Need Help...and Evidence

Fame and power leads to influence, and that influence can sometimes extend to the justice system, says Pitre. “If you’re in the midst of a divorce and walk into court and everyone addresses [the abuser] by name, but ignores the victim...his influence is more than the victim’s. The victim leaves feeling like they’re not seen, heard, believed. [The abuser] uses their influence to discredit the victim.”

Pitre says the important thing for survivors of abuse by a person of power to do is to reach out and ask for help. You’ll need a plan. “Women who are married to or connected to abusers with power need the help of an advocate to navigate the system.” 

Use our Get Help tool or talk with Hope Chat in the lower corner of your screen to find an advocate near you who can help you access local resources, get legal advice and create a safety plan, among other helpful services.