Domestic Violence 'Even More Awful' During Coronavirus: Survivor

Posted 04/15/2020

Lisa Finn, East Hampton Patch April 9, 2020 "Imagine being forced to remain in a household with an abuser for weeks on end. There is no escape by going to work. It's a tinderbox." SUFFOLK COUNTY, NY — For victims of domestic violence, the "stay-at-home" directive during the new coronavirus pandemic does not mean hunkering down behind closed doors to keep themselves and their children safe. Instead, it can very well mean, not only a time of terror with no means of escape and nowhere to go — but possibly an explosive situation that puts their lives at risk. The horror of the night that changed her life and the lives of her children is always just a heartbeat away for East Hampton resident Noemi Sanchez, who was beaten, stabbed and then shot in the head with an air rifle by her estranged boyfriend in 2011. Nine years later, Sanchez speaks to Patch to help other women hiding in the shadows of their homes, where, behind closed doors, officials say domestic abuse in Suffolk County is on the rise as the number of deaths related to the new coronavirus continues to skyrocket. Women who find themselves in the home with their abuser, with no jobs to go to and no schools open, will feel "even more scared" than they normally would be in the house, Sanchez said. "It will be even more awful. You'll have more trauma than you had already. For those women, it's very difficult right now. They have nowhere to go." Abusive partners, she said, "could become even more aggressive. All the anger they have about the situation, when they hear the news, or about possibly losing their jobs, they will take out on you." Abuse can mean a barrage of verbal intimidation, she said, or being threatened. The words she screamed on the night that changed her life still echo, Sanchez said: "Call the police. Daddy's trying to kill me!" Uptick in domestic violence in Suffolk County In the month since the first case of coronavirus was reported in Suffolk County, domestic violence incidents have risen by about 8 percent, according to Suffolk County Police Commissioner Geraldine Hart. "This is a public health crisis first but what it is doing, in every aspect of society where people have challenges or issues, all of that is exacerbated by this crisis, and that includes domestic violence," Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone said. He added that county police are actively engaged in outreach. Gov. Andrew Cuomo also said Thursday that there is a "growing problem" of increased domestic violence cases and said those struggling should call 1-844-863-9314. More than half the DA's cases related to domestic violence, Retreat says The Retreat, a non-profit organization in East Hampton that provides services to domestic violence victims, is still available for help 24/7, despite coronavirus. According to Loretta K. Davis, executive director of the Retreat, there has been an uptick in domestic violence incidents since coronavirus has begun keeping everyone at home. "We know that there is an increase in domestic violence here on the East End," she said. "We know because calls are increasing from churches, community groups, employers, friends reaching out on behalf of a victim, and police reports. The district attorney's office says more than half of all their cases right now are domestic violence related." Calls have been coming in on the Retreat's 24/7 hotline daily. Based on the volume of those calls, once the quarantine is lifted, Davis said, "We are preparing for a huge spike in the demand for services, counseling, legal support and shelter." With a waitlist for counseling services, the Retreat is still serving individuals in need, Davis said. But due to the pandemic, those services are being offered remotely. Staff remains in the shelter but on a staggered schedule, she said. The 24/7 hotline, counseling, advocacy, case management, legal advice and financial "empowerment" are all being provided remotely, she said. The Retreat, Davis said, is focused on direct services as well as the current needs of victims, and those are more about survival. Calls for help involve finding resources at the community level for families in need, including food, rental assistance or relief, and how to access unemployment, she said. However, there are hurdles. "We offer empathy and understanding but many of the traditional means of getting families out of the situation are closed right now," Davis said. However, she added: "We can offer counseling and legal support. Our emergency shelter, and those across Long Island, have extremely limited capacity but our shelter is accepting new clients." Coronavirus poses deadly domestic violence threat Domestic violence cases have increased during the coronavirus pandemic because of the logistics of the stay at home mandate, Davis said. "There is an increase because victims are trapped at home with the abuser," she said. "The abuser may limit access to information or access to phones, computers, family, friends. The abuser may also provide inaccurate information about what services are available." In addition, she said, there may be job loss, financial abuse, the feeling of isolation and despair, as well as stress from uncertain circumstances. The reduced access to health services, an inability to leave, and the exposure and vulnerability of children in the household are factors that also contribute to a tense and volatile situation, she said. "It's a tinderbox, with a high potential for violence" "Imagine being forced to remain in a household with an abuser for weeks on end. There is no escape by going to work. There is no escape by shopping or going to a medical appointment. Plus, confined spaces are making everyone edgy," said Kim Nichols, the Retreat's development director. "It's a tinderbox, with high potential for violence. But how can you reach out for help when your abuser is literally right next to you? That's the challenge many victims are facing right now; they can't reach out directly." The Retreat's education director Helen Atkinson-Barnes said, with people confined at home, often with children, family members becoming sick, and others losing work or continuing to work but in dangerous or uncertain circumstances, stress and conflict are on the increase in many relationships. "People who abuse others often react to conflict by attempting to force their preferred outcome on their partner instead of working things through in a mutually beneficial way," she said. Power and control are central to domestic violence and relationship abuse in all of its forms, she said. "Domestic violence involves one person hurting someone they are close to in order to get their way — to establish or maintain power and control in that relationship. Broken down, this means one person has an expectation that they are entitled to get what they want and they are willing to ignore the other person's wishes, hurt them or violate their consent, in order to get it," Atkinson-Barnes said. Central to that concept, she said, is understanding that couples and people in relationships in general don't always agree on everything. "Conflict is normal. Hurting someone in order to resolve conflict, and gain power in control is not. In healthy relationships people should resolve conflict by talking it through and finding creative ways to meet everyone's needs," she said. Legal options Susan Bereche, attorney for the Retreat, said requests for orders of protection can still be made to family court. Those seeking an order of protection are urged to make the application remotely by utilizing video chat applications and programs or conference calls. The Retreat can assist with those requests, she said. With regard to other family court proceedings, only the following cases remain on the court's calendar, Bereche said: Neglect and removal proceedings brought by Child Protective Services through the Department of Social Services of Suffolk County; proceedings against juvenile delinquents where remand or custody of the juvenile offender is requested; and any emergency custody applications seeking a temporary restraining order or a writ directing that the child be brought before the court for a determination of an exigent issue as to custody or visitation. Uptick in domestic violence in Suffolk County In the month since the first case of coronavirus was reported in Suffolk County, domestic violence incidents have risen by about 8 percent, according to Suffolk County Police Commissioner Geraldine Hart. "This is a public health crisis first but what it is doing, in every aspect of society where people have challenges or issues, all of that is exacerbated by this crisis, and that includes domestic violence," Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone said. He added that county police are actively engaged in outreach. Gov. Andrew Cuomo also said Thursday that there is a "growing problem" of increased domestic violence cases and said those struggling should call 1-844-863-9314. More than half the DA's cases related to domestic violence, Retreat says The Retreat, a non-profit organization in East Hampton that provides services to domestic violence victims, is still available for help 24/7, despite coronavirus. According to Loretta K. Davis, executive director of the Retreat, there has been an uptick in domestic violence incidents since coronavirus has begun keeping everyone at home. "We know that there is an increase in domestic violence here on the East End," she said. "We know because calls are increasing from churches, community groups, employers, friends reaching out on behalf of a victim, and police reports. The district attorney's office says more than half of all their cases right now are domestic violence related." Calls have been coming in on the Retreat's 24/7 hotline daily. Based on the volume of those calls, once the quarantine is lifted, Davis said, "We are preparing for a huge spike in the demand for services, counseling, legal support and shelter." With a waitlist for counseling services, the Retreat is still serving individuals in need, Davis said. But due to the pandemic, those services are being offered remotely. Staff remains in the shelter but on a staggered schedule, she said. The 24/7 hotline, counseling, advocacy, case management, legal advice and financial "empowerment" are all being provided remotely, she said. The Retreat, Davis said, is focused on direct services as well as the current needs of victims, and those are more about survival. Calls for help involve finding resources at the community level for families in need, including food, rental assistance or relief, and how to access unemployment, she said. However, there are hurdles. "We offer empathy and understanding but many of the traditional means of getting families out of the situation are closed right now," Davis said. However, she added: "We can offer counseling and legal support. Our emergency shelter, and those across Long Island, have extremely limited capacity but our shelter is accepting new clients." Coronavirus poses deadly domestic violence threat Domestic violence cases have increased during the coronavirus pandemic because of the logistics of the stay at home mandate, Davis said. "There is an increase because victims are trapped at home with the abuser," she said. "The abuser may limit access to information or access to phones, computers, family, friends. The abuser may also provide inaccurate information about what services are available." In addition, she said, there may be job loss, financial abuse, the feeling of isolation and despair, as well as stress from uncertain circumstances. The reduced access to health services, an inability to leave, and the exposure and vulnerability of children in the household are factors that also contribute to a tense and volatile situation, she said. "It's a tinderbox, with a high potential for violence" "Imagine being forced to remain in a household with an abuser for weeks on end. There is no escape by going to work. There is no escape by shopping or going to a medical appointment. Plus, confined spaces are making everyone edgy," said Kim Nichols, the Retreat's development director. "It's a tinderbox, with high potential for violence. But how can you reach out for help when your abuser is literally right next to you? That's the challenge many victims are facing right now; they can't reach out directly." The Retreat's education director Helen Atkinson-Barnes said, with people confined at home, often with children, family members becoming sick, and others losing work or continuing to work but in dangerous or uncertain circumstances, stress and conflict are on the increase in many relationships. "People who abuse others often react to conflict by attempting to force their preferred outcome on their partner instead of working things through in a mutually beneficial way," she said. Power and control are central to domestic violence and relationship abuse in all of its forms, she said. "Domestic violence involves one person hurting someone they are close to in order to get their way — to establish or maintain power and control in that relationship. Broken down, this means one person has an expectation that they are entitled to get what they want and they are willing to ignore the other person's wishes, hurt them or violate their consent, in order to get it," Atkinson-Barnes said. Central to that concept, she said, is understanding that couples and people in relationships in general don't always agree on everything. "Conflict is normal. Hurting someone in order to resolve conflict, and gain power in control is not. In healthy relationships people should resolve conflict by talking it through and finding creative ways to meet everyone's needs," she said. Legal options Susan Bereche, attorney for the Retreat, said requests for orders of protection can still be made to family court. Those seeking an order of protection are urged to make the application remotely by utilizing video chat applications and programs or conference calls. The Retreat can assist with those requests, she said. With regard to other family court proceedings, only the following cases remain on the court's calendar, Bereche said: Neglect and removal proceedings brought by Child Protective Services through the Department of Social Services of Suffolk County; proceedings against juvenile delinquents where remand or custody of the juvenile offender is requested; and any emergency custody applications seeking a temporary restraining order or a writ directing that the child be brought before the court for a determination of an exigent issue as to custody or visitation. If you need help Davis said the Retreat encourages individuals to have someone they can contact, have an emergency list of phone numbers, have a safe room to go to — and have an exit plan. "It is important to work with survivors to create a safety plan and an exit plan and to encourage them to safely document everything," she said. "It is difficult for our counselors to teach victims to figure out how to safely disengage with abusers at home. The goal is to get the family safely through this enforced quarantine." The Retreat began more than 30 years ago "with a grassroots effort of caring people who wanted to help families affected by violence," Nichols said. "During this time of crisis and limited options for victims, we need to go back to that grassroots model. We need neighbors to care about neighbors — but make sure you do it from six feet away." She suggested that it is possible to reach out to someone who might be in danger by sending a message such as: "I know things feel scary and stressful right now. Could we talk on the phone sometime later today so we can support each other and check in?" Davis said the Retreat's life-saving work continues even in the face of coronavirus: "While we can't change what's going on in the world, we can make a difference," she said. "For those who have suffered from abuse, the issues do not pause or take a break even during the declared national emergency for COVID-19. While the message to stay home and be safe may resonate for many of us, this is not the case for a victim who is isolated in a home with an abuser." All of the Retreat's services are currently available to those in need. "We are open and providing services," Davis said. "We will continue to provide these services despite how long this pandemic lasts. To ensure clients are supported the Retreat has taken steps to maintain access for those in need: The 24-hour hotline is operational, with access to multiple languages. Call 631-329-2200 or the deaf crisis line at VP 321-800-3323 Counselors are available for phone sessions. Advocates, case managers, legal, financial empowerment are available remotely The emergency shelter is available, with safety protocols in place. And, for those at home in a potentially volatile situation, Regina Mysliborski, the Retreat's counseling director, offered survival tips. "In this unprecedented situation, which limits external resources for victims of domestic violence, keeping the peace within the home may assist in decreasing abuse," she said. Here are some tips to stay safe: Keep routine and structure within the home, Make a plan for a "safe" space within the home, Share with children — if age appropriate — the safety plan within the home, Maintain connections with at least one person outside the home who you will be checking in with and if they understand the situation, share the safety plan. If possible have a place to go if the abuse escalates. If this is established, then call 911 or use a code word with a contact, or reach out to a service person outside of the house. "Staying home does not mean staying in an unsafe home," the Suffolk County Legislature said in a social media post. Today, Sanchez has gained her strength — and seeks to empower other women, victims of domestic violence struggling and suffering in silence. She's found advocacy, solace and resources at the Retreat — and is involved with SEPA Mujer, an organization that works to support immigrant women on Long Island, speaking out against injustice, providing access to opportunities and services, taking a stand against domestic violence and other abuses, and advocating for social change. "He made me feel like I was nothing. He made me feel like garbage" "I'm not scared anymore," Sanchez said. She said, though, that she's worried about the trauma her daughters endured, watching the abuse unfold. The abuse began with verbal intimidation, she said. That's why, she said, stronger legislation for those who have committed domestic violence in front of children is critical. Before the night when he attacked her, he'd hit her maybe once or twice, but the verbal battering was a constant. "He made me feel like I was nothing, not important," she said. "He made me feel like garbage." Today, she said, "I'm strong. And now I want to help another woman, who's in a situation like I was, become empowered." https://patch.com/new-york/easthampton/domestic-violence-even-more-awful-during-coronavirus-survivor