When It's Time to Escape Abuse

Walking out the door and away from an abuser—or kicking an abusive partner out the door, if so inclined—is seldom as easy as it sounds. Abusers thrive on power and control, and having their victim leave them is the ultimate loss of control. Hence, abusers will often make it as difficult as possible for survivors to extricate themselves. 

But, it is possible. Leaving an abuser can be the most empowering—and life-saving—decision a survivor can make for themselves and any children involved. When you're ready, the key to leaving safely is preparation, and that starts with a safety plan.

It's best to create a safety plan,  customized to your unique situation, with the help of a trained domestic violence advocate. Their expertise and know-how will help you leave a dangerous situation in the most calculated and smart way possible. An advocate will help you locate resources in your area, including shelters, counseling, lay legal advice, court assistance and support groups. 

Only You Know When to Leave Abuse

Creating a safety plan includes figuring out when to leave, where you're going to go, what you'll take and how to keep these details private from your abuser. These decisions are yours and yours alone to make, as the survivor. Only you can say when is the safest time to leave and only you know where you will feel safest to go to. For some women, this may be a shelter temporarily, while they secure a more permanent living situation. 

Some survivors leave with only the clothes on their back while others are able to pack a bag ahead of time that they can easily locate, retrieve and take with them when they're ready to escape. WomensLaw.org suggests the following things be included in that bag, but keep in mind, not all of these suggestions will be feasible for everyone and some may even put a survivor in greater danger. Do what you think is best to keep yourself and your children safe.

Escape Pack List:

• A spare set of car keys, your driver’s license and/or passport(s)
• Credit cards and some cash—enough for transportation, food and lodging for a few days. Your abuser may cancel your credit cards or try to track you through your credit card use.
• Work permit, green card or immigration papers (if applicable)
• Government benefits card (if you have one)
• Phone numbers for friends, relatives, doctors, schools, taxi services and your local domestic violence organization (taking your cell phone will allow your abuser to track you)
• A few changes of clothing for yourself and your children
• Infant formula and diapers 
• Comfort items to help your children feel safe
• Pet food, leashes and vet records for any animals you're taking with you
• Any medication or vitamins you typically take
• Important documents, or copies of them, for both you and your children including birth certificates, social security cards, school records, immunizations, pay stubs, bank account information, marriage license, will, mortage papers, lease agreement, insurance information
• Order of protection (if you are able to secure one ahead of time)
• Any evidence you’ve been collecting to show you’ve been abused (photos of injuries, police records, medical records, a journal or log)
• A few personal items you want to keep (photo albums, jewelry, etc.)

Keep your getaway bag in a place where the abuser cannot find it, such as at a trusted friend’s or neighbor’s house. Also, hide an extra set of car keys somewhere that you can easily access, in case the abuser takes the car keys to prevent you from leaving. If you have pets, take them with you when possible, or think about someone you trust who could take them before or when you leave. Read more about how to protect your furry family members in " Planning for Pet Safety." 

Domestic Violence Safety Planning

A safety plan is a form of protection that allows a survivor to prepare what they can do during or between abusive incidents to keep themselves and their children safe. This might involve how they can escape, where they can go, who they can rely on to help them and the additional protections they can put in place to possibly stay gone for good. A safety plan is important to think about when a survivor is ready to leave their abuser. It's important to think about how to get out of your home safely. Learn more about creating your own safety plan with "A Guide to Domestic Violence Safety Planning."

Eight Safety Planning Tips

The following are eight important points to keep in mind when you're ready to escape your abuser. It's a good start to a safety plan, but remember a full safety plan created with a domestic violence advocate may help you check off areas you missed or prepare to access resources you aren't aware of.

1. Practice different ways to get out if you have to leave in a hurry, or if you have to leave while your abusive partner is at home. 

2. Think about any weapons in the house and ways you could possibly get them out of the house before you leave. 

3. Consider what time of day is best to leave. If you can leave when your abuser is not at home, this is the safest option. If you can’t, then think about alternative times to leave, such as when you’re taking out the trash, walking the family pet or going to the store. Again, practice these scenarios.

4. Think about four places you could go. These may include a domestic violence shelter that you can locate through DomesticShelters.org, the house of a trusted friend or coworker that the abuser does not know or another safe location, such as a hotel or shelter, in a different city. 

5. Throw your abuser off your trail. The Domestic Violence Hotline suggests survivors may consider creating a false trail, if there’s time. To do this, you can call motels, real estate agencies and schools in towns that are at least six hours away from where you’re planning to go. Ask questions that require them to call you back at your house so that your abuser may believe this is where you’re going.

6. Don't underestimate your abuser. Abusers are intent on controlling survivors' lives. When abusers feel a loss of control, such as when a victim leaves, the abuse can increase. This is why it’s especially important to take extreme cautions before and after leaving. If possible,  secure an order of protection. Make sure your phone hasn't been hacked by your abuser. If it's feasible, consider acquiring a new cell phone so you cannot be traced. If you can't afford one, see if you can borrow one from a friend for a while. Take steps to protect your identity. Consider changing your children’s schools and, if you can, change your work hours. If you’re staying in the same city, use different stores and frequent different social spots. 

7. Find emotional support by reaching out to a domestic violence advocate either in your area or through a national hotline. You don't have to do this alone, even if your support system isn't clear.

8. Finally, don’t hesitate to call 911 if you feel you are in danger at any point during or after you leave.

When It's Time to Go

When you're ready to go, know that you aren't alone. A domestic violence advocate is here for you to help you create a safety plan, access resources and information and be a source of help and support. You can find an advocate near you with our Get Help tool or by chatting with Hope Chat in the bottom corner of the DomesticShelters.org screen.