How to Leave an Abuser: Fleeing the State or Country

Key Takeaways:

1. Survivors must determine for themselves how far they need to go to feel safe—whether it's a different city, state, or country—based on their unique circumstances and level of danger, as no one else can truly judge the severity of their risk.
2. Thorough planning is essential when fleeing, including considering support networks, legal protections, job opportunities, cost of living and women's safety in the new location—whether domestic or abroad.
3. The act of fleeing is often the most dangerous time for survivors, and systems meant to protect them—like shelters, courts, and custody laws—can sometimes fail or retraumatize them, making it vital to have a safety plan and informed legal support.

When survival means escape, the hardest decision can also be the most lifesaving one: to pack up your world and disappear. For survivors trapped with abusive partners, starting over in a new state or even country isn’t about adventure; it’s about reclaiming safety, identity and the right to live without fear.

Bridget knew that she and her young daughter were in danger two years ago. “I couldn’t have told you at the time that I was in a domestic violence situation,” she says. “I only knew in my core that I had to get to physical safety.” She had endured six years of brutal abuse by her husband, including a horrific rape that left her with lower spine and hip injuries so severe, her recovery took over four months. She had to go on disability from her job. 

As a form of self-protection, Bridget tried to disassociate as much as possible.  

“I was so ashamed that I was still living with this man,” she says. 

But then, a baby came into the picture. Bridget’s husband told her, “If you ever try to leave, I will find you and kill you.” Far from deterring her, his threat sealed her decision: they had to escape.

How Far Do You Need to Go to Escape an Abuser?

That’s the ultimate question—is a five-hour-drive-away enough distance? Or do you need to go five states away? What about across the ocean? Survivors know best how far away is far enough to feel safe. And ultimately, that’s the bottom line—feeling safe. No one should try to tell a survivor that it’s not a good idea to pack up and leave home because only a survivor knows how much danger they’re in. Only a survivor knows how best to keep themselves, their children and pets safe. Sometimes, that can look like a protection order. Sometimes, it can look like pressing charges. And sometimes, it can mean getting far, far away.

Here are some questions to consider when trying to decide where to go:

1. Can you find support there? 
   You may want to pick a place where you’ll have at least one supportive person you can reach out to. On the other hand, if you go to a place where your abusive ex knows you have friends or family, it may be easier for them to find you or stalk you. Whether you move to a place you know someone or not, reach out to the local domestic violence organization or Family Justice Center for support. They can likely help you find transitional housing, job opportunities, basic needs, support groups, counseling, and childcare. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, that is why these organizations exist!
2. What are the visa and residency requirements of where you want to relocate? 
   If you’re thinking of moving abroad, some countries are much friendlier than others to expats, or people living outside their native country. If there’s time, do some research first, and see the list below of countries you may want to consider. If you’re moving abroad, you also want to consider factors like language, healthcare and schools and how difficult or not it will be for you to assimilate. 
3. If you’re taking kids, include them in an order of protection. 
   It may be safer to get to your new location first, then have the order of protection served on the abuser, lessening the risk of immediate retaliatory action by the abuser. Having a safety plan in place can help you feel more prepared for this. Once you have the protection order, consult with a lawyer about securing an emergency custody order in case the abuser immediately tries to file for custody of the children, often a power move to scare the victim into returning to them. 
   For more information on steps to take with kids, see “How to Flee an Abuser With Your Children.”
4. What is the job market like there? 
   You can find a ranking of U.S. states’ job markets on U.S. News and World Report. Globally, this is the list of countries with decent job prospects. Finding a job almost immediately will be a must for most survivors who are often left without money, on purpose, due to financial abuse. Write a resume that gets noticed, and then you can work on finding your financial footing again. 
5. What is the cost of living there? 
   You can also find a ranking of cost of living per state here. Alabama ranks as the most affordable, while California is seemingly the most expensive. Prepare as much as you can by establishing a household budget right away. 
6. How safe is it for women there? 
   If you’re a female survivor, you may want to make sure the place you’re moving to has a good track record as far as women’s safety. This means the location has ample resources, such as domestic violence organizations, and that law enforcement and judges have a positive track record of taking violence against women seriously. This list is just one that ranks the 50 states based on those two factors, naming Massachusetts as the safest state for women and Oklahoma as the least safe. 

Countries That May Be Easier to Emigrate To

Some countries are easier to emigrate to from the U.S. than others. However, a country’s hospitality toward immigrants may change at any time, so it’s best to do your own research before fleeing there spontaneously, especially when children are involved. 

Here are five countries that may be options from VisaGuide.world:

• Mexico allows foreigners to stay for 180 days visa-free, after which you can apply for a temporary residence permit, usually valid for four years. It’s also a practical option because it’s within driving distance of the continental U.S. and has an affordable cost of living overall.  
• Canada will allow you to stay up to six months visa-free, but you won’t be able to work during this time. However, you may be able to apply for the Express Entry system that targets highly skilled workers, though this may not be the quickest option for someone who needs to flee immediately. 
• Ecuador has the same offer as Mexico—foreigners can stay for 90 days without a visa as long as they have a valid passport. After that, you can either apply for a 90-day extension or apply for a temporary visa.  
• Spain is known to have a lower cost of living than the U.S. and offers several visa options. Certain U.S. citizens may be able to obtain a temporary visa from the North American Language and Cultural Assistant Program. This not only allows you to relocate but also provides immediate employment teaching English for 12 to 16 hours a week for a monthly stipend. Qualifications include having a college degree, being between 18 and 60 years old, clearing a background check and having a basic level of Spanish. Need to learn basic Spanish? The Verizon Skill Forward program includes college-level Spanish classes for 100% free. 
• Australia offers a working holiday visa 462 for expats aged 18 to 30, allowing you to stay for up to a year and work in some specific fields. After that, you can apply for a second- or third-year holiday visa. Those outside that age range can explore other visa options.

Fleeing Abuse Without Money or a Plan

When Bridget fled, she took her young daughter, their cat and dog, and her laptop, leaving everything else behind. Her husband made sure she didn’t have access to their finances, but it didn’t stop her. Safety, she says, was her one and only priority. 

“I went from being a very stable woman to not really functioning well. I had a hard time talking to people and looking them in the eye,” she says. Like many survivors, Bridget was initially in denial that things were as bad as they were. She had a picture in her mind of what a domestic violence victim looked like, and it wasn’t her. 

“I speak multiple languages; I have my MBA. I was a Fulbright Scholar. I was beautiful and strong,” she says. “When you’re in it,” she says of abuse, “you just feel like, no, it can’t be me.”

Besides raping her, her husband also strangled her, the number one indicator that an abuser is capable of killing you, say advocates. In a study of homicide victims killed by an intimate partner, it was found that 43 percent had experienced a non-fatal strangulation by their partner prior to their murder. In attempted homicides by an intimate partner, 45 percent of victims had been strangled before the attempted murder. 

Bridget called the domestic violence shelters in her area, but they were full. Typically, shelters will prioritize high-lethality victims of abuse, meaning those victims who have a high risk of being murdered, which it sounded like Bridget was experiencing. However, if there’s no room, a shelter can sometimes make the difficult decision to tell a survivor they can’t shelter them at that moment. (Sidenote: This is why shelters around the country need more funding and support.)

A friend in the same town where they lived told Bridget that she could stay with them, but only for three days. Bridget took her up on the kind offer, even though the idea of her husband coming home to find that she and her daughter had fled filled her with panic. 

“You’ll be shot in a parking lot,” was one of Bridget’s husband’s threats. 

After that, another friend helped her pay for a hotel for three more days. She and her daughter were able to get a little further away. 

“I was borrowing money from friends, keeping track of it all on a spreadsheet so I could repay all of these people,” she says. 

Still, Bridget knew they were still too close. Anything within driving distance of her husband put her and her daughter in danger. She chose a state on the opposite coast and fled again. There, she secured an order of protection, but thought it was ridiculous that she had to reveal her new state of residence in the order that her husband would be able to see. She signed up for the address confidentiality program, so that even if her husband made the trek to find her, he would have to work harder to find her exact location. 

“I’ve had to educate everyone that fleeing is the period of greatest danger for survivors,” Bridget says, referring to the court system and law enforcement. “The court system is really retraumatizing.”

Over a year later, Bridget says she hasn’t seen her husband, but he is trying to get custody of their daughter. Bridget is on her third lawyer now, having finally found one who specializes in cases involving domestic violence. The court psychologist tried to convince her she did the wrong thing by taking her daughter so far away from her abusive father, but Bridget disagrees.

“Having a safe home is a foundation of wellness. I’m not afraid of him in the same way that I was and that seemed impossible at one time. I’ve reclaimed everything, including my humanity. 

“I see now that he’s not as powerful as he wanted me to see him as.”

When You’re Ready to Go

Make sure to reach out to your local domestic violence organization or Family Justice Center to develop a safety plan before leaving. This blueprint can help you organize your thoughts and plan for any possible scenario, including an abuser’s retaliation, before you go. 

If there’s time, pack an emergency “go” bag with important documents, supplies, medication and pet necessities. Keep it somewhere safe that your abusive partner can’t find it, like at a friend’s house or your place of work, if possible. 

Finally, don’t underestimate the lengths an abuser may go to locate you. Protect yourself online as well as in the real world. Read “Protect Your Digital Life When Leaving an Abuser” for more information.