Does God Really Want Survivors to Stay with Abusers?

Michelle* met her husband at a singles group organized by her church. She was 26 at the time and he was 25. 

“My frame of reference from the beginning was that he was a solid Christian guy who I could—and whom I did—trust,” she says. She grew up in a resolutely Christian family. She describes her dad and brother as safe men. Abuse and domestic violence were topics that were never broached. She never expected anything but safety from her husband.

“I did not know that men could even be toxic and dangerous, so when there were red flags, I did not see them as red flags.”

It was two years into her marriage when Michelle began to connect the dots that something wasn’t right. That inkling would later reveal itself to be financial abuse, which he would later expand into emotional, sexual and physical abuse. 

She had been excusing her husband’s spendthrift ways on immaturity, initially. When he got a bonus at work before the couple were married, he spent it on himself. There was no money left over for a honeymoon, but they were young, she thought. This was normal. After they got married and had a son, she discovered her husband was racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt buying things for himself and gambling online without Michelle’s knowledge. They couldn’t pay the bills. 

“There were many, many months when the house payment was late or not made, but there was always plenty of money for his stuff,” remembers Michelle, who only found out years later that the debt was entirely in her name. Her credit score plummeted.

“At that moment, I realized that it would be nearly impossible for me and my son to leave him because we were trapped financially.”

His abuse escalated over the years, as often happens in domestic violence. But it wasn’t until Michelle was able to look back that she could see it as such. 

“It was very covert for a long time. He’d tackle me and claim he was ‘playing football,’ but it turned overt when he pushed me down the stairs in our home.” She describes their sexual intimacy as “very rapey, pornified and coerced.” Michelle says she doesn’t believe he was ever unfaithful physically, but he would flirt with other female friends online.  

“I know he started a Tinder account at least six months before I filed for divorce.”

How Her Faith Drove Her to Stay With an Abuser

Michelle stayed with her husband for 22 years, in part, she says, because she had been trained to believe that she was under her husband’s authority no matter what. The “Umbrella of Authority,” created by Bill Gothard, founder of the Institute in Basic Life Principles, or IBLP, an independent fundamentalist Christian organization, places the husband under Christ’s umbrella, so to speak, the wife under the husband’s umbrella and the children under the wife’s umbrella. 

“I felt I had no right to question that chain of command,” Michelle says. “I was aware that my husband was purposefully rebelling against God and damaging my life, our marriage and our son. But what could I do about it? I was under his authority, and he had to answer to God for it.”

IBLP’s questionable practices came to light with the recent documentary Shiny, Happy People, which tied the religious organization—referred to as a cult by many former members interviewed—to the famous Dugger family from the TLC show 19 Kids and Counting. Gothard resigned from the Institute in 2014 after 34 women came forward with accusations of sexual harassment and molestation by Gothard.  

Michelle says she was raised to spiritually honor and respect marriage. In college, her religious teachings began to delve into purity culture. She came to believe that her body would belong to her husband. 

“Biblically, I was not to deny him sex. My husband needed physical release and I was the one to provide it to him because I was his wife.” She adds that while her husband “pretty much ignored everything else positive related to Christianity” he would latch on to this teaching.

“I cannot tell you how often he told me, ‘But you are my wife!’ He would engage in sex while I lay there crying … as if I were an object he owned rather than an actual human being. Consent was never discussed.”

Michelle felt guilt considering divorce because of a teaching that said God wants kids to have a mother and a father. 

“I can thank Focus on the Family for this,” she says, referring to an independent fundamentalist organization known for its prominent public stances against LGBTQ+ rights and abortion. 

“Even once I started to reconcile that God would not hate me forever if I got divorced, I stuck around for years longer than I should have because I was terrified how my son would turn out if he didn't have an intact family. As it turns out, having his father around and abusive screwed up my son a lot worse.”

Despite all of this, Michelle says she still believed marriage was holy, ordained and “absolutely for life, no matter how miserable I was.” She says she held onto the hope that things would get better eventually. 

“I remember hearing a sermon early in our marriage where the pastor cited a statistic that a huge percentage of unhappily married people who stuck it out were happy again after five years. I clung to this for years thinking that eventually, if I stuck it out, I would be happy again.”

She wasn’t, and Michelle filed for divorce two years ago. The divorce was finalized this year. 

“I had no money, none. My parents were my lifeline,” she says. “They paid for everything—legal fees, living expenses, etc. Were it not for them, there is absolutely no way I would have been able to be legally extracted from my ex.”

As for her son, Michelle says that after two years of being separated from his dad, her son is doing “so much better.” She regrets not leaving when he was younger.  

God Is Not the Problem…But Maybe Church Is

Michelle says she hasn’t lost her faith even after everything she's gone through.

“God is not the problem; Jesus is not the problem. White male hierarchy in the evangelical Christian church is the problem, and those attitudes are not even remotely godly or biblical.”

She’s between churches now and says she’s not sure what she’s looking for, but just knows that “what I have been doing my entire adult life is not it.”

Domestic violence advocate and educator Julie Owens, who specializes in educating leaders of faith communities about domestic violence, has counseled survivors of many faiths through abuse situations. “I’ve spoken to thousands of Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Hindus and those of the Jewish faith who were battered. In pretty much every case, the scriptures of their religion had been somehow twisted to convey they should be submissive to their husband.”

Many religions support traditional, sometimes rigid, gender roles, says Owens. “Survivors often hear things like ‘Pray for him,’ ‘God hates divorce,’ ‘It’s your cross to bear,’ or ‘You need to work on your communication skills.’ The focus of the faith leader is often ‘How can we get [the abuser] some help?’” 

Yet, Owens, a daughter of a pastor, says one must understand the context of these bible verses. 

“A verse in the Old Testament reads that God says He hates divorce, but that was thousands of years ago when men owned their wives and children. By getting a ‘divorce’ at that time, a man just had to decree it and would throw a woman out of the house without anything — any protection or provisions. And that’s why God was saying He hated it.”

How to Find Help When You’re Ready

A survivor can feel revictimized if she goes to her church for help and is told to “stick it out” or “pray about it.” In these cases, it’s best to reach out to someone not affiliated with a religion and simply share your story. You can find validation with a domestic violence hotline and a trusted advocate. You don’t have to be ready to leave to reach out and talk.

You can also ask the organization if they have an advocate trained in your particular faith, which may help you further to reconcile any religious doubts you have about leaving an abusive partner. 

Don’t feel ashamed to take a break from your place of worship, even if it’s only temporary, to figure out next steps. The most important thing is to get to a safe place first, and then decide which parts of your religion or church are supportive of your new, healthy future. 

The Christian group Selah can help you connect with a spiritual director in your state. A group called Spiritual Directors International, or SDI World, can help connect you with spiritual directors in a number of other religions, including Judaism, Buddhism and Islam. You can also try calling the department of theology at a college or university near you.

Finally, try to take care of yourself. Being compassionate with yourself is key to begin the healing process. “Focus on your well-being,” says Owens. “You don’t need to step away from your religion as much as you should consider, instead, stepping away from that person who is abusing you, and finding someone who values your health and safety.”

*Last name withheld for safety.