Am I Being Abused?

This piece was originally published in 2021. It was updated in 2026. Note: In this article, we use the phrase “abusive relationship” because it’s a common term people search for when looking for information about domestic violence, domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. At DomesticShelters.org, we aim to use language that accurately reflects that abuse is a choice made by the person who harms—not a mutual dynamic and never something the survivor is to blame for.

Key Takeaways:

• Abuse isn’t just physical. Emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse are all ways abusers control survivors.
• Abuse often escalates in patterns. Tools like the Cycle of Violence show how abusers maintain power over time.
• Help is available. Advocates, domestic violence agencies, and Family Justice Centers can guide survivors to safety and legal support.

Table of Contents

• 5 Types of Domestic Violence
• Signs of an Abusive Relationship
• Signs of Emotional Abuse
• Signs of Verbal Abuse
• Signs of Sexual Abuse in a Relationship
• Signs of Financial Abuse in a Relationship
• Signs of Spiritual Abuse
• Is There a Predictable Pattern of Abuse?
• Abuse Almost Always Escalates
• Ready for Help?

If the thought has ever crossed your mind, “Is my partner being abusive?” and you’ve immediately tried to dismiss it, you’re not alone. For many survivors, acknowledging abuse—especially by a partner or family member—comes only after leaving and gaining distance from the relationship.

Coming to terms with that reality can be devastating. Realizing that someone you trusted is choosing to manipulate, control or harm you—repeatedly—is painful and destabilizing. Yet recognizing the abuse is also a critical step toward stopping it. Below, we break down the different forms domestic violence can take and offer guidance to help you determine whether what you’re experiencing is abuse.

Who Can Be Abused?

In the following sections, we’ll refer to a partner as the abuser, but domestic violence can also be perpetrated by someone else the survivor is in a close relationship with or lives with. This can include a family member, such as a parent, grandparent, sibling or adult child; or a roommate. In some states, abuse by someone other than an intimate partner is legally classified as family violence—but it’s abuse all the same. Statistically, the most common type of domestic violence is committed by a male intimate partner, like a boyfriend or husband, against their female partner. 

It is, of course, possible for any gender identity to be either perpetrator or victim/survivor. Domestic violence can happen in LGBTQ+ relationships. Men can be abused by their female partners. In both cases, victim-survivors may feel more hesitant to come forward, afraid of harmful and untrue stereotypes like women can’t possibly be abusive or men should be tougher. In queer relationships, the abusive partner may threaten to out the victim-partner if they disclose the abuse. Abusers often look for some way to threaten, embarrass or shame a victim to keep them quiet about the abuse comitted behind closed doors. And, too often, it works. Domestic violence is one of the most underreported crimes. 

Here's the truth: Anyone can be a victim of an abusive partner. It doesn’t make that person stupid, weak or too trusting. Abuse is a choice abusers make. Nothing the survivor does has caused that abuse. Coming forward to disclose the abuse to someone the survivor can trust—be it a friend, advocate, counselor or someone in law enforcement—is the first step to breaking the cycle and breaking free. 

7 Types of Domestic Violence

There are at least seven main types of domestic violence, though they can overlap (an abuser can use more than one type at the same time) and meld together (for example, psychological abuse can also be spiritual abuse), making it confusing for a victim to understand exactly what’s happening. 

An abuser may use the following types of abuse to control a victim. 

Physical Abuse
A pattern of using physical force to have power and control over someone else is physical abuse. It can include hitting, pushing, shoving, kicking, slapping, burning, pulling one’s hair, throwing something at or toward the survivor, strangulation (often mistakenly called choking), suffocation or using a weapon.

Verbal Abuse
Speaking with the intent to degrade, intimidate and control a partner is verbal abuse. This can include shouting, screaming, name-calling, threats of violence, constantly judging, picking fights, discounting everything a survivor says, making harmful jokes at a survivor’s expense, trivializing and “forgetting”. 

Psychological/Emotional Abuse
Repeatedly belittling, gaslighting and undermining a survivor’s sense of safety is referred to as psychological or emotional abuse. It often overlaps with verbal abuse. This can include constantly criticizing a survivor—tearing down everything they say, do, wear, eat or choose—in order to make them feel less-than, only to then give them small moments of validation that the survivor then begins to crave. It can also include completely withholding communication, isolating a survivor from everyone but the abuser, gaslighting, coercive control, stalking and blame-shifting. 

Sexual Abuse
Forced sexual contact used as a form of power and intimidation is sexual abuse. This tactic is not just limited to rape, though rape is one type. Incomplete sexual acts, including touching or hurting someone’s private areas is also sexual abuse. Other forms include exposing oneself to a victim, forcing a victim to look at or watch sexually explicit material, sexual harassment or reproductive coercion. The latter includes forcing a survivor to take birth control or restricting a survivor’s access to birth control. It can also include forcing a survivor to have an abortion or restricting their access to abortion or other prenatal healthcare when pregnant. Being married does not grant your spouse the right to sex or control over your body. Learn more about marital rape.

Financial Abuse
When an abusive partner controls the money as a way to keep the survivor trapped or submissive, this is financial abuse. It can include preventing the survivor from getting a job, withholding all finances except for a small allowance from the survivor, making the survivor account for every cent they spend, ruining a survivor’s credit, forcing a survivor to work in the family business without pay or forcing a partner to turn over paychecks or public benefits checks. Financial abuse is so common that it’s estimated to occur in 99 percent of domestic violence cases.

Spiritual Abuse
Also referred to as religious abuse, this tactic of power and control is when an abusive partner uses religious scriptures or beliefs to control a victim. This can include using religious texts to justify abuse and control, ridiculing a survivor’s religious beliefs, preventing a survivor from practicing religion or forcing shared children to be raised in a religion the survivor doesn’t believe in. Spiritual abuse can also be weaponized by clergy members who may preach that God or other religious figures would not approve of divorce or women leaving their spouse, no matter what kind of abuse is occurring.  

Technology/Cyber Abuse
“Cyberbullying” has evolved dramatically with advances in technology—and not for the better. What once meant cruel messages or public humiliation online can now include coordinated harassment campaigns, cyberstalking across multiple platforms, doxing victims (revealing their personal information, such as their home address or social security number, on a public social media platform), revenge porn and AI-generated images or messages designed to intimidate, impersonate or humiliate targets.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

The trademark of abusive partners is that they often appear as wolves in sheep’s clothing. In other words, they can initially be the most charming, romantic and seemingly caring partners you’ve ever met. Early on, you may start to hear yourself saying things like:

"They care about me so much that they can’t spend a second apart from me.”

“They need to know where I am at all times because they’re so protective.”

“They love my kids so much that they want to move in right away.”  

“They know what’s best for me so I don’t mind if they make decisions for me.”

In actuality, these are all red flags denoting control. A new partner’s abuse often begins subtly and may be disguised as something called love-bombing. It looks and feels like love and romance, but it’s too much, too fast. Before you know it, you’re swept up in a whirlwind of their control. 

Abuse doesn’t begin because something goes awry with the relationship. The victim-survivor doesn’t do anything wrong. Being an abusive partner is a cognizant choice the abuser makes to control the other person. 

Here are some red flags that you can watch for that, together, can denote a possible abusive partner:

• Pressures you to move fast in a relationship or pushes for immediate commitment.
• Shows extreme amounts of affection, gives extravagant gifts or carries out over-the-top displays of romance very early on, aka, love-bombing.
• Has been abusive in previous relationships.
• Believes in stereotypical gender roles and male supremacy, or is domineering.
• Is continuously jealous and possessive. Isolates you from your friends and family and may try to persuade you not to have a job.
• Has two sides to their personality—others see your partner as a good person, but behind closed doors, he or she is angry and aggressive toward you.
• Experiences most emotions in the form of anger and has difficulty conveying other emotions.
• Has a violent temper and quickly changing moods.
• Is cruel to animals and/or children and is insensitive to their suffering.
• Monitors your whereabouts, activities or spending.
• Does not listen to you when you say "no" or when you assert your boundaries. 

While physical abuse—hitting, shoving, punching, slapping—is easily recognizable as a clear crossing of boundaries, other types of nonphysical abuse often get explained away. A survivor may minimize these types of abuse because they simply aren’t ready to believe that a person they once trusted and loved is controlling and abusing them. The survivor may feel ashamed or embarrassed that they’ve let it go on for as long as it has. Or, abuse may have become normalized in their own childhood between adults they knew and now, as an adult themselves, it’s hard for them to admit this is abuse. 

But the fact of the matter is that abusers don’t always leave behind bruises and broken bones. Emotional and psychological scars sometimes run even deeper. To recognize nonphysical types of abuse, look for the following signs. 

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Ask yourself these questions to determine if you are experiencing emotional or psychological abuse.

Does your partner ... 

... put you down, embarrass or shame you?

... call you names?

... ignore you?

... demand to know where you are every minute?

... treat you as inferior?

... purposefully embarrass you, oftentimes in front of others?

... not allow you to make decisions?

... rarely validate your opinions?

... threaten you?

... accuse you of being “crazy”?

... belittle your accomplishments, aspirations or plans?

... forbid you from talking to or seeing your friends or family, or going to work?

... keep you from sleeping?

... accuse you of cheating or is possessively jealous?

... cheat on you and then blame you for their behavior?

... tell you that you will never find anyone better?

... repeatedly point out your mistakes?

... attempt to control what you wear?

... threaten to hurt you, or your children, family or pets? 

You can read more about emotional abuse, sometimes also called psychological abuse, in “How to Recognize Emotional Abuse.”

Signs of Verbal Abuse

Couples argue, but couples in healthy, safe relationships also listen to one another and attempt to resolve arguments. When someone commits abuse, it can look like arguing but feel far different. If your partner is regularly putting you down, making you feel scared or intimidated and never apologizes for their actions, you may be experiencing verbal abuse. 

Ask yourself these questions to identify verbal abuse:

1. Does it come out of nowhere? Verbal abuse can occur when everything else is seemingly fine in the relationship. 
2. Are verbal outbursts or insults beginning to happen in public and not just behind closed doors? This may be a sign of escalation. 
3. Is your partner tearing you down when you’re visibly happy? 
4. Are the insults starting to feel familiar?
5. Is your partner putting down your interests?
6. Does your partner avoid talking about his or her harmful actions after the fact?
7. Between incidents, does everything feel like it goes back to normal?
8. Do you feel isolated from friends and family?
9. Is your partner defining things differently from how you see them? As in, you remember your partner exploding in anger while they describe you as the one who intentionally started the fight (this may be gaslighting). 
10. Is your partner using verbally abusive language toward you, aka, “You’re so stupid,” “You’d better do what I said,” or “Talk back and you’ll be sorry you did”?

Learn more in “10 Patterns of Verbal Abuse” and “The Big Deal About Belittling.”

Signs of Sexual Abuse in a Relationship

Not that long ago, it wasn’t illegal in many states to rape your spouse. That started to change in the 1970s, when states began passing laws that made marital rape a crime. Today, martial rape is illegal in all 50 states.

Still, some partners believe sex is something they’re entitled to, rather than something that requires consent. Abusers can use that belief to justify harm. And sexual abuse isn’t limited to rape. No spouse or dating partner has the right to force someone into any sexual activity they did not agree to.

Sexual abuse can look like many different things:

• A complete sexual act, or intercourse.
• An incomplete sexual act where sex is attempted but unsuccessful.
• Abusive sexual contact which involves touching or hurting sexual or other private areas
• Sexual abuse without contact. This includes intentional and unwanted exposure to obnoxious sights (such as someone exposing themselves to a victim or forcing a victim to watch pornography), verbal sexual assaults.
• Forbidding a victim from taking or using birth control, often with the intent to conceive, or forcing a partner to end a pregnancy. This can also be referred to as reproductive abuse or reproductive coercion. 
• Distributing sexually graphic images of a partner without their consent (even if there was consent when the image was taken). This is referred to as revenge porn.
• Coercing a partner to perform sex acts in front of or involving children, which is also a form of incest. 
• Taking advantage of a partner sexually when they’re on drugs, inebriated, sleeping or unconscious. 

Learn more in “What Is Sexual Abuse?” and “What Is Sexual Coercion?”

Signs of Financial Abuse in a Relationship

Financial abuse is where an abuser controls money in a relationship. When someone can’t access their own money, they may not be able to pay rent, buy food, put gas in their car or get to a job. But beyond that, they also can’t hire a lawyer or imagine a way to start over on their own. Financial abuse can make survivors feel dependent, isolated and trapped, forcing them to choose between staying with an abuser or facing homelessness, debt or the loss of their children. Even after a relationship ends, the damage can follow survivors for years through ruined credit, unpaid bills or legal and financial barriers they didn’t create.

Financial abuse can look like:

• Restricting a victim’s access to bank accounts or credit cards
• Only allowing their partner a small allowance
• Making their partner show receipts for every purchase 
• Sabotaging employment opportunities for the victim 
• Forbidding the victim from working or attending college
• Forcing a victim to file fraudulent tax returns 
• Intentionally ruining a victim’s credit as a way to keep them financially dependent

Learn more in our guide, “What Is Financial Abuse?” 

Signs of Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual or religious abuse is when an abuser uses religion or religious scripture to control, dominate, ridicule or intimidate a victim. The abuser may:

• Prevent the victim from practicing their religion
• Ridicule a victim’s beliefs to make the victim give up on religion
• Use religion to tear down a victim (berating a victim for not living properly by the scripture)
• Use religion to manipulate a victim (for example, the abuser uses religious scripture to convince a victim they must be subservient to the abuser) 
• Force children to be raised in a faith the victim doesn’t believe in

Read more in “What Is Spiritual Abuse?”

Is There a Predictable Pattern of Abuse?

Abusers often, but not always, follow a pattern with victims. There is nothing a victim does to cause abuse and, likewise, nothing a victim can do to stop abuse besides separating from an abuser. The abuse is never the victim’s fault and always the choice of the abuser, even if the abuser tries to blame it on things like drugs, alcohol, mental illness or past trauma. 

Certain tools have been made to illustrate this pattern—one is called the Cycle of Violence or Cycle of Abuse, created in 1979 by psychologist Lenore E. Walker, claims abusers will often cycle through four steps:

Tensions Build: Any typical life stressor can build tensions, from finances to children, but the victim will feel the need to reduce this by becoming compliant and nurturing in order to prevent abuse or, in some cases, may provoke the abuser knowing abuse is inevitable. 

Incident: Where the abuser attempts to dominate the victim through outbursts of violence (though this can also include nonphysical incidents like verbal and emotional abuse).

Reconciliation: Sometimes called the “honeymoon stage.” The abuser may shower the victim with affection, apology or gifts, sometimes in an effort to convince the victim not to report abuse, and ultimately, to keep the victim from leaving. This may also include threats of suicide from an abuser if the victim is thinking of leaving or reporting the abuse.

Calm: A period of peace where a survivor may consider things “back to normal.”

While some advocates point out the cycle doesn’t illustrate the complexities of abuse adequately, many survivors have recognized a pattern like this to some degree with an abusive partner. 

There is also a second visual aid called the Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in 1984. While it outlines violence perpetrated by a male abuser against a female victim, it can apply to all sexes and those in same-sex relationships. 

The wheel shows that abusers may cycle between any of eight of the most common types of abusive tactics. They include:

• Using emotional abuse (put-downs, mind games, guilt trips)
• Using isolation (controlling where a victim goes, limiting their time with friends and family)
• Using coercion and threats (making threats in order to control a victim, making a victim drop charges)
• Using economic abuse (preventing a victim from getting a job, concealing shared finances)
• Using male privilege (being in charge of defining men’s and women’s roles)
• Using children (making the victim feel guilty about the children, threatening to take them away)
• Minimizing, denying and blaming (gaslighting tactics that minimize or deny the abuse)

Abuse Almost Always Escalates

Abuse almost always escalates. Escalation is a choice abusers make when they feel like they’re losing control of the survivor or when they want to send a very clear message—they hold the power in the relationship. The longer the relationship continues the more dangerous it becomes for the victim or children. To determine the danger level of one’s particular situation, it may be helpful to visit this page of Domestic Violence Assessment Tools. 

Escalation can look like:

• An increase in control (the abuser telling their victim where they can and can’t go in no uncertain terms).
• The introduction of violence in threats (from “If you do that again, we have to end it” to “If you do that again, I’m going to slap you.”).
• Actual violence, aka, the first time an abuser shoves a victim.
• Not respecting a survivor’s boundaries.
• Blaming the survivor for the abuse and not taking responsibility for his or her choices.
• Isolating the survivor from friends and family.
• Threatening to harm or take away a survivor’s children.
• Threatening to harm pets.
• Acquiring a weapon as a means of intimidation. 
• Displaying excessive jealousy or paranoia. 

Ready for Help?

Sometimes, all it takes to escape an abuser is a strongly worded break-up speech. But more often than not, abusers aren’t willing to release control. Things can get dangerous for a survivor. 

When you’re ready to leave an abuser, reach out to an advocate at your local domestic violence agency or Family Justice Center to talk about your options, such as an order of protection, formulate a safety plan and decide how it’s safest to leave.  

You can learn how others have handled abuse in the past by reading survivor stories. 

Review our Comprehensive Guides on all facets of abuse to help you understand even more what domestic violence is so you can better assess your relationship and understand your situation.