October Again

And … one more month of Domestic Violence Awareness is upon us. The organizations I volunteer with have their fair share of events scheduled for October to try to spread awareness of domestic violence, its prevalence and its impact on survivors and their children. After attending a national call this week, I heard many shelters across the country are hosting 5K walks, candlelight vigils for victims who have lost their lives and trunk-or-treats to bring kids in the community together.

The first time October was designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month was in 1987, thirty-seven years ago. And since that time, I must admit, a lot has been done to spread awareness of the victims of domestic violence. However, the number of victims has remained similar, if not worse in some years. Victims are still murdered every year. Restraining orders are still applied for and broken every year. Family court cases still drag on when abusers turn their power and control onto the children. And despite the hundreds of laws put in effect to assist victims with their safety and eventual freedom from abuse, not much has changed.

Why?

When you save a victim of abuse, you create an opportunity for them to thrive. Many abuse survivors want to give back to the community and help others learn how to break free from the shackles of abuse. But when you create a survivor and do not hold the perpetrator accountable, guess what happens? The perpetrator of abuse simply finds another victim. And the cycle continues.

I recently read an article on DomesticShelters.org about how many domestic violence offenders go to jail. In case you don’t want to read the article, I’ll give you the answer: 2 percent. Of the 517 cases documented in this study, only 10 offenders received jail time. 

In my opinion, jail time is not the only answer for these offenders. There are ways to hold perpetrators of abuse accountable without forcing them into our broken prison system. However, if we are going to move the needle forward on ending domestic violence or even putting a dent in its pervasive control over our society, there needs to be an accountability program put into place. 

Domestic violence costs our society about $5.8 billion a year. 

Domestic violence is a public health crisis. 

Domestic violence causes distrust in our judicial system. 

And domestic violence is quite literally killing our children. 

So why are we not doing more to protect victims? Why are we making the public aware of domestic violence but not the perpetrators behind the crimes? Restraining orders are kept private in many judicial systems across the country. And victims are forced to rebuild their lives after fleeing the abuse.

While I'm grateful to be one of those survivors, a woman who has been able to flee an abusive marriage and thrive in its wake, I am not free. I have to share custody of my children with a man who pointed a gun at me. I am court-ordered to communicate with him despite his badgering and aggressive communication and demands. And I am unable to take my children to the 5K or trunk-or-treat that my domestic violence shelter is hosting because a judge has removed that right from me. I was court-ordered not to take my children to any event run by a domestic violence shelter as it might make my children think their father was abusive. As if they didn't live with us during the crisis and they are not forced to spend half of their life with him now. 

This is why domestic violence awareness isn't the complete answer to the problem. This is why our society remains harmed by this vicious cycle. We hide it. We silence and blame victims. We protect perpetrators.

I left with my life, so I am seen as a success story. What happens now isn't something our society cares about. Their hands are wiped clean. But I'm the one left dealing with the aftermath. And I promise myself and the generations of victims to follow, I will make sure this doesn't happen to you. We will find a way to hold them accountable. I will find a way to move the needle.

And while I wish I could hold my perpetrator accountable, I can't. So that's why this article is published anonymously. Because I am not free. I still live under his power and control. And the power and control of the judicial systems that have deemed me and my children unworthy of living free from abuse.

Editor’s Note: This article is part of #YourVoice, an ongoing column published on this website by individual contributors in their own personal capacity and that involves the opinions, recollections and/or information provided by such contributors, and which does not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of this website.