Holy Hush: How Churches Betray Victims of Domestic Violence

The silent cries speak louder than the loudest screams. This is the reality for millions of men and women across the country and around the world. A taboo but prevalent problem, intimate partner abuse affects millions of people in relationships worldwide. One would expect the shepherds to have the best interest of their sheep. Yet, even in the 21st century, this is far from reality. 

In the United States, nearly 24 people are physically abused by an intimate partner every minute. According to the CDC, about 41 percent of women and 26 percent of men will experience physical violence, sexual violence or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. That number does not include psychological aggression, which affects nearly half of all adults, nor spiritual abuse which is less documented but still common in Christian communities. These statistics are astonishing and should sound an alarm for us all. Far too many women and men, including Christians, suffer in silence.

My grandmother was a woman of faith. She married my grandfather after he returned from serving in the army. They were in love for many years. However, a dark cloud hovered over the entire relationship. As a veteran, he carried heavy baggage from his service, suffering greatly from PTSD that triggered frequent outbursts of anger. Despite my grandmother being the peacemaker in the family, she would often be yelled at. The tipping point came when he put his hands on her and attempted to strangle her during a heated argument. This was a moment she feared the most. The man she believed loved her did the unthinkable and committed a violent act. 

Even after this frightening experience, she stayed. She took her marriage vows seriously and refused to consider divorce, fighting for their union no matter the cost. By the grace of God, my grandfather experienced an awakening and recognized the gravity of his sins. They agreed to sleep in separate rooms thereafter. She was very fortunate to see this change, as many survivors do not. They have since passed on, but this story makes me think deeply about the state of many couples of faith today.

Here is a question for you: When was the last time that your priest or pastor discussed spousal abuse during Sunday service? I can promise you one of two answers: seldom or not at all. It surprised me to realize that this is the reality in many churches today. Given the many topics discussed by religious leaders such as same-sex marriage and abortion, among others, domestic violence is a major issues that often remains unaddressed. In fact, it is far more common than the issues previously mentioned. And although every one of these issues should be rightfully discussed, being silent on others gives the impression that it is not a priority. 

I have watched many influencers and religious leaders over the years, and I can count on one hand the number who have discussed this topic. This is very concerning, and it makes me wonder if they are more concerned about preserving the marital union and saving face rather than getting victims to safety. Would negative attention cause more people to question their faith and its leaders? Is raising awareness on this issue viewed as too feminist? Would women speaking out be seen as defying the belief that wives should be submissive to their husbands? Ask yourself these questions.

Compounding the tragedy, many victims fail to recognize that they are with abusive partners. This often stems from many factors. Abuse often starts off subtly with insults, escalating to coercion and eventually leading to physical abuse involving slaps, punches or worse. Sometimes sexual violence is also present, which falls under the umbrella of domestic violence. It is important to note that it does not need to happen in this order. It frequently begins with physical abuse, often coupled with emotional and spiritual abuse. Unfortunately, many victims find themselves trapped and disoriented, not knowing how to escape the situation. They mistakenly believe that they have to remain in the relationship. They are frequently told by the church that leaving their spouse would be a betrayal of the marriage. Even when they seek guidance from church leaders, these individuals often give inadequate advice. This stems from a lack of proper education or training among the leaders on sensitive matters, with some believing that domestic violence is a private matter between the spouses. This sets the perfect stage for disaster.

Here are some facts. To reiterate, it’s estimated that at least 41 percent of women and 26 percent of men in the U.S. are victims of domestic violence. These figures are likely higher due to reluctance about speaking out. Male victims face a larger stigma due to the outdated belief that men can’t be victims. Verbal abuse and coercion are much less overt than physical abuse, but just as damaging. Furthermore, marital rape and sexual abuse are issues that are least talked about. According to research, about 10-14 percent of married women experience marital rape. While it is lower for men, it nonetheless still happens. Sexual coercion, where a spouse manipulates, guilts or threatens their partner into engaging in sexual activity, also constitutes a form of abuse. These forms of abuse fall under the category of domestic violence. It’s also important to understand the profile of abusers. They come in all forms. They can appear as the stereotypical angry businessman or the friendly lady that attends your church every Sunday. While many victims believe that their abusers can change, the statistics show a different story. The vast majority of abusers do not change their abusive patterns. According to a meta-analysis from Clinical Psychology Review, a small number of perpetrators remain nonviolent throughout the relationship. The 2024 meta-analysis reaffirms findings from a 2004 study, indicating a 5% reduction in recidivism. This is a very difficult pill to swallow. Thankfully, we can only go up from here, but we still have work to do.

The silence from our religious leaders is deafening. It’s really shameful that, in 2026, this life-threatening issue persists from those who are shepherds of the faithful. Churches regularly discuss topics like same-sex marriage, abortion, contraception, fornication, pornography, immigration, politics, apostasy and even climate change. However, one of the most neglected yet pervasive issues is domestic violence. While many Christian denominations have policies on paper, it is the responsibility of the leaders to discuss it in their sermons so that every churchgoer hears it clearly. In my view, this is negligence at best and malice at worst. 

Too often, leaders encourage the victim to stay and “work it out” with their spouse or seek marriage counseling. This is dangerous and misguided advice. If you are a victim of abuse, your first priority must be safety. Separate yourself from the perpetrator as safely as possible, contact authorities or a domestic violence advocate and seek protection. Consulting a priest or pastor should not be the initial step. When the time is right and your conscience allows, explore annulment or civil divorce. Many victims attempt to reconcile with their spouse, but statistics show the odds are against lasting change. Abusers often reoffend, and violence often escalates during or after separation attempts. Safety must always trump reconciliation. If you or a loved one has experienced abuse of any kind, know your options. Include prayer in your healing journey. Don’t become prey; pray.

Editor’s Note: This article is part of "Your Voice," an ongoing column published on this website by individual contributors in their own personal capacity and that involves the opinions, recollections and/or information provided by such contributors, and which does not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of this website.  Tony Valencia is a freelance writer dedicated to exploring the intersection of wellness and overlooked social issues on his Substack page. With a Bachelor’s in dietetics, he brings a science-backed perspective to health topics. As a Southern California resident, his worldview is shaped by the diverse cultures and ideas he encounters daily and applies that to his work. You can access his Substack here. 

Photo by Thomas Vitali on Unsplash.