Ask Amanda: Should I Warn My Ex-Abuser's New Girlfriend?

Q: I just found out my abusive ex-husband has started dating someone I know—another single mom at the school our kids go to. Should I tell her what she’s getting into? She has kids, and my ex was not only emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive to me but also to our children and continues, too.. I don’t know this woman other than talking to her briefly at some school events, so I’m not even sure if she’d believe me. I also worry about my ex coming after me if he finds out I warned her.

This is a complicated situation, to be sure. It’s one that I’ve heard about in various forms from not only a lot of readers here but also friends in real life. You know that your ex is bad news, so what’s your obligation to the next partner he chooses? What if you’re scared for her safety, and her children’s safety but also your own? It’s a really heavy thing to think about, and there’s no one right answer. 

I once knew a man who would tell anyone who would listen about his “crazy ex-girlfriend.” He painted her as abusive and mentally unstable. This was more than a decade ago when I was admittedly ignorant about the nuances of domestic violence. Today, that kind of thing would be a glaring red flag, but at the time, I gave him sympathy and said I was glad he got away from her. Flash forward to the present day—turns out, he’s the abusive one. Shocker. His now ex-wife reached out to the “crazy ex-girlfriend” from long ago who says she wanted so badly to warn his new partner that he was dangerous but knew she wouldn’t believe her because of how he’d already slandered her to everyone. 

Herein lies the problem. If you decide to try to warn this new woman about what she’s potentially getting into, there’s a decent chance your reputation has already been tarnished by him. You may very well be “the crazy ex” because he likely knows that the two of you are familiar with each other, and he wants to cut you off at the pass. Abusers are strategic like that and, as you said, manipulative. There’s a decent chance he’s already begun to love-bomb her so that she wouldn’t be able to wrap her head around the fact that he’s anything but a Prince Charming. 

Of course, some may argue that just because he was abusive in your relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be abusive in this new one. *Insert skeptical eyebrow raise here.* If you say he’s continuing to use abusive tactics on you and your children even after your divorce, that tells me that there has been no grand transformation for the better in this man’s life. 

In “The Next in Line for Abuse” I talked about a survivor, Amy (not her real name) who had told me that she got to know most of her ex’s new partners because the two shared children.

“I really liked many of them and trusted them more with my children than I ever did with him. Most of them figured out his problems long before it became an issue for them and left.”

If this new partner becomes something serious, there’s a chance you’ll end up interacting with her during child exchanges, assuming you share custody with your ex (you may not). You may be able to get a better read on her through these interactions and better gauge whether or not you feel like she’d open up to you if something was going awry. After all, she has children as well and surely, she wants to keep them out of harm’s way. 

As difficult as it may be not to sound a warning alarm for this new woman, you have to think about your safety and your children’s safety first. You are likely the main target of your ex’s abusive urges. As Leslie Morgan Steiner, author of the chilling memoir Crazy Love, told me, “A victim’s first obligation is to protect him or herself. I didn’t always understand that it was OK to put myself first.” She didn’t warn women who would come to date her violent ex-husband because she feared her ex’s anger and, “I have three children [with her second husband] and I want to protect them, too.”

You don’t have to tell the new girlfriend all the details of your marriage. You could consider simply saying to her, “If you need to talk, I’m here.” If something has already happened with your ex that’s given her pause, she might pick up on that subtle signal. If anything, it opens the door to communication in the future if and when she begins to realize what your ex really is. After all, abusers rarely start a relationship with overtly abusive tactics. Typically, it’s more subtle. It’s a small demeaning comment here or there, a jealous inquiry into their whereabouts or testing the waters to see how much they can control the new person. But it’s layered in things like love-bombing and mirroring, which is emulating everything the new partner loves as things they’re interested in, too, to form a bond. 

The hope here is that the new woman will see the red flags before she gets in too deep. Abusers are known to brainwash their victims, making it more difficult for them to leave the longer the relationship goes on. 

Ultimately, you should listen to your gut when it comes to what decision will keep you and your children safe. But it’s admirable and brave for you to want to warn this new woman as well. In my opinion, we women need to look out for each other when it comes to abusive men rather than work against each other. That’s why it’s so important to believe women, first and foremost. Here’s hoping both of you stay safe going forward. 

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.