Ask Amanda: I Hate Having to Talk to My Abusive Ex

Key Takeaways:

1. Use BIFF for Communication: Keep messages Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, an acronym known as BIFF, to minimize conflict and avoid escalating interactions with an abusive ex.
2. Grey Rock and Yellow Rock Tactics: Staying emotionally unresponsive (Grey Rock) or cautious and neutral (Yellow Rock) can help reduce an abuser’s attempts to provoke a reaction.
3. Watch for Escalation and Stay Safe: Abusers may escalate when they feel they’re losing control. Be aware of threatening language and seek support from a domestic violence advocate if needed.

Q: I’m going through a divorce and my ex-husband was, and still is, abusive towards me. We share a daughter and, while he only has custody of her every other weekend, we still have to talk about pick-ups and drop-offs. He makes sure to use every instance of our texting each other to harass me, asking me endless questions just so I’ll keep talking to him, then calling me “crazy” or throwing other insults at me. I dread every time I have to text him. I’m wondering what I can do to get him to, for lack of a better way to put it, shut up?

What many people who’ve never been entangled with an abusive partner are often unaware of is that abuse hardly ever ends once a survivor leaves. That may sound dire, but in the long run, leaving an abusive partner is more often than not a much safer avenue than staying and will (hopefully) result in your freedom from that person down the road. Right now, of course, you’re still being tortured by him because of the child you share. That’s an unfair extra punishment for survivor moms. 

Other survivors without shared children might also find themselves where you are—in a land of narcissistic text messages due to something unsettled between them and their abusive ex. This might include legal matters around shared finances or property, or because they’re being stalked by an abusive ex who simply won’t let them go. Also unfair. 

There are ways you can talk to an abusive partner that will help lessen the chances he’ll try to start a fight. For starters, as much as possible, try to keep your communications in written form only. This can look like text messages or emails, or through a communication app. There are several apps created just for separated parents to discuss issues around kids. The messages can’t be altered after they’re sent and there are time stamps to show when the parent reviews it. 

Here's a trick for communicating with an abuser: Try BIFF. It stands for being brief, informative, friendly and firm. It was pioneered by Bill Eddy, LCSW, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute and author of BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns. Here are the steps of BIFF:

   BRIEF: Write a simple paragraph in response to any length email or text. Think two to three sentences if you can. 

   INFORMATIVE: Give straight information without arguments, opinions, emotions, etc. “Here’s some information you may not have…” For example: “The school meeting was changed to 4 p.m. on Wednesday.” 

   FRIENDLY: Say something to give it a civil or friendly tone, like: “Thank you for telling me your concerns.” Yeah, this one might be hard if he’s launching personal attacks against you, but your response doesn’t give him a lot to argue back about. 

   FIRM: Just end the email or text conversation without keeping it going by feeding an argument.

Though it may take a hefty dose of self-control, resist responding to any personal attacks or questions that don’t have anything to do with the issue at hand, which in your case would be your daughter. 

“This helps because it doesn’t trigger more emotional attacks and often a good BIFF doesn’t get a response because there is nothing left to argue about,” says Eddy. 

Another tactic you can try is called grey rock. Yes, it’s exactly as it sounds. Think of channeling the qualities of a grey rock—be motionless, silent and blend into the background. Your abusive ex is looking for a reaction out of you. He wants to see if he still has the power to make you upset, and by giving him no reaction at all, it doesn’t give him a lot to argue with. Granted, this also takes a lot of self-control as abusers can be relentless in their emotional and verbal abuse. 

Yellow rock communication is similar. This involves speaking to the abuser, but with the idea that anything you say can be used against you. Think of the “yellow” in this as a caution sign. Avoid explaining yourself or getting into a back-and-forth discussion about past events. 

Eddy also suggests trying something called EAR statements, which stands for empathy, attention and respect. This is probably more kindness than your ex deserves, but again, keeping your child in mind, this could work in keeping the conversations on-topic and civil. Here’s an example of how to utilize EAR, per Eddy:

• EMPATHY: “I can hear your frustration. Let’s look at what we can do.”  
• ATTENTION: “I want to understand your concerns.”  
• RESPECT: “I respect the work you do.” “I respect your relationship with our child.” “I respect your efforts to solve this problem.” “I respect your time and I want you to respect mine as well.” 

If your ex sees that he can’t get a reaction out of you, the hope is that his abuse will not escalate. In an ideal world, he would stop the verbal attacks all-together once he realizes you’re not being affected, but that’s likely wishful thinking. 

Also, watch out for red flags denoting escalation. Remember, any time an abuser feels like they’re losing control, even if you’re no longer in a relationship, there’s a chance he’ll escalate his abuse.  

Be aware of words or phrases an abuser may use when things are escalating. They might sound like this:

“Just try to do that—you’ll regret it.”

“You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

“You think you got it bad, I can show you bad.”

“You’re going to regret this soon enough.”

“You know I can get a gun.” or “I have a gun.”

“If it’s not safe, don’t try to calm a potentially violent abuser with an EAR statement—just get to a safe place,” says Eddy. Consider taking this danger assessment if you’re unsure of how serious your abusive ex’s behavior is, and don’t hesitate to reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate for more help and advice.

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter, or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.